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Christians are called to be different, to go against the
flow. As I choose to do so, as I choose to swim upstream, God has been teaching
me numerous things. Especially in the past few weeks. It all started with my
mission trip to Mexico...
Satan tried to attack me from the very beginning with
frustration and distractions. My suitcase was broken by the airlines so I had
to carry it to the bus with just the regular handle and not pull it along like
everyone else. However, when I went to take it off the bus that handle broke on
it. Needless to say I was slightly frustrated and annoyed. This was only the
beginning of the spiritual warfare that would ensue that week as I sought to do
what God asked of me.
The next morning started satan's new tactic to cause me to
doubt God and choose to live in sin instead: rejection. I am a person who like
to have people happy. Almost to the extent I would rather please them over God
or freak out if people don't like me. Since God had given me victory of satan's
previous tactic, he now chose this as his new avenue to make me fall away or at
least plateau my relationship with God, but God had different plans in mind.
It started with a message I found in my Facebook inbox the
morning of January 7th. A message that completely made my world crumble in the
time it took me to read the message. It told me I was not a part of my
boyfriend's family and that as far as his family was concerned I never would
be. Not only was this a slap in my face, I was feeling completely rejected. As
quickly as it happened I called my boyfriend and talked to him and he calmed me
down, but then messaged me later that day and told me that yea what was said
wasn't nice but maybe there was some truth to it. This lead to us discussing
that maybe the strain this message caused in our relationship was leading us to
take the week and pray about whether we should stay together. That's eventually
what we chose to do and with this distraction out of my mind for the week God
really began to speak to me.
Day 1.
As I struggled
through everything that had occurred, I sat down and began pouring my heart out
to God in a letter. Telling Him my fears, my failures, and my fault in
everything that had happened. I begged His forgiveness for turning and doing my
own thing and asked for His guidance in the weeks, months, and years to come.
As I finished writing I sat down to do my quiet time for the day. My quiet time
consists of a date match. Since it was January 6th, my quiet time consisted of
reading Psalms, Proverbs, and this month Matthew 6. The first verse my eyes
landed on was Psalms 6:9 "The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord accepts my
prayer." Talk about a direct answer from God. God's reassurance was
instantaneous. His words reminding me that He heard me and He accepted my
prayer to Him. Matthew 6:33 "But seek ye first the kingdom of God
and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." Now
that I had purged myself of the sins that were hindering my relationship with
God, He was reminding me that seeking His kingdom first will in the end give me
peace about everything else.
Day 2.
Chapel was about Isaiah and how God cleansed Him. What
really hit me was how God cleansed Him. He had an angel take a hot coal and
touch it to his lips. I don't know about you, but if I had a hot coal touch my
lips I think I would be in some kind of pain. This reminded me that God is
going to cleanse me in His way, not mine and I need to be open and accepting of
God's way of cleansing me. This is the day that I really began to see that if
satan was attacking me this hardcore then God must be wanting to do something
amazing with my life and satan was going to do everything he possibly could to
stop it.
Day 3.
Proverbs 8:17 "I
love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently will find me."
Proverbs 8:33 "Hear instruction and be wise and do not
neglect it."
Mark 8:11-13 " The Pharisees came and began to argue
with Him, seeking from Him a sign from Heaven to test Him. And he sighed deeply
in His spirit and said, "Why does this generation seek a sign? Truly I say
to you, no sign will be given to this generation." And He left them, got
into the boat again, and went to the other side"
Hebrews 8:12 "For I will be merciful toward their
iniquities and will remember their sins no more.
God tells me that if I seek Him diligently I will find Him.
Here I am about 1200 miles from home, with no school work, boyfriend, or family
situations to distract me. Needless to say, I was seeking diligently for God's
will for my life. Along the way though, He convicted me of my desire to see a
sign just to show me that what He was telling to do was really what He wanted
me to do. He's God. He owes me nothing. He doesn't need me, but He chooses to
work through me to bring glory to Himself.
In chapel Adam spoke on listening to steps 1, 2, and 3 from
God and people and assuming steps 4, 5, and 6 and going ahead with them without
waiting to see if God really wanted him to do it or not. I, too, am guilty of
this. I am such a doer that sometimes I don’t wait to listen to what all God is
telling me to do before I decide to go ahead and start doing it. In reality all
this does is rob me of my relationship with God and the blessings He wanted to
give me for following His will.
Day 4.
2 Samuel 4:4; Ch. 9
-I have a liar in my life telling me to run from the Kind,
to run from God, but the only thing it’s got me is hurt and broken and to a
place that does not satisfy.
-Since God has already called me and told me who I am, He
ignores any excuse, lie, or reason that I’m not good enough for Him. God knows
who I am and deems me worthy. It doesn’t matter how unworthy I feel. God makes
me worthy. God has decided I’m worthy and it doesn’t matter how unworthy I feel
or how shameful I think my life has been. God has called me his daughter. It’s
time I take that role and begin acting like one.
-When God seeks me out and I finally come back to Him, He
returns to me everything I gave up when I ran. He invites me to be a part of
HIS FAMILY. I belong in His family! And He’s changed my name. No longer is my
name shameful. God has changed my name and it now means one like God, my daddy.
No matter what I think.
Day 5.
1 Corinthians 13:7: Love bears all things, believes all
things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
-This is the day that God really started talking to me about
my relationship with my boyfriend and I began asking myself questions like: Do
I love him? Really love him as Christ calls a person to and defines as love? Do
I love him like that or am I just infatuated with having a boyfriend? Is staying
with him going to weaken or strengthen my relationship with God? Is staying
with him going to bring unnecessary temptations? Do I want to be with him
because it’s what God wants or what I want? The verse says love will endure all
things. If I really love him then we will endure this trial and not break up
over it. God still has only told me to wait and yet for once I’m not worried.
God’s timing is perfect. My ways are not. I just have to wait on Him.
-Mr. Clay talked about God hurting us right now and that it’ll
leave scars, but we’ll never forget it. God is not a respecter of persons. He
is going to do what He wants, how He wants, when He wants.
-At the plaza, Immanuel spoke of how Moses was not allowed
into the promise land because of decisions he made. Do I want to not receive
what God has promised to His people because of the decisions I made. I made a
decision to go on the mission trip to Mexico. If I had not listened to
God, there’s no telling what could or would have happened. Do I really want to
lose what God has promised because I make decisions that are not what God
wants?
Day 6.
If I thought what was said to me at the beginning of the
week on facebook was bad. It doubled today. Instead of one private message, I
instead found 5 comments and an honesty box posting stating how I was a person
who did not belong anywhere and therefore tried to push my way into a family
and place I was not wanted, just because I was rejected as a child and wanted
somewhere to fit. Almost immediately, I took up my place on the washer at the compound
where I had been having my quiet time all week and opened my Bible. Keep in
mind today is January 11th.
-Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy
laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for
I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my
yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
-God called into my mind yesterday’s quiet time. I came to
the conclusion that love bears all things not like. I really, really like my
boyfriend, but I’m not sure about the love part. Still God is only telling me
to wait on Him and not do things in my timing but His. In turn, when I got home
today, I text my boyfriend and asked him what God had told him that week and he
said he thought we should be friend. At the same time I knew God was showing me
what needed to be done, at the same time satan was trying to use it to make me
feel rejected, but God is so much more powerful than anything satan tries to
do.
Since that trip to Mexico, God continually impresses
on me the need for me to wait on Him; to not do things in my own power, but to
wait on God’s direction in everything. Even in the smallest of things, God
continues to show me that He is sovereign and He knows what’s best for me. For
once in my life, I’m finally choosing to follow what Christ has asked me to do.
I’m not rushing ahead into another relationship, though the opportunity is
there, I’m not falling back into what I used to run to when I felt unloved and
rejected. It feels so good to know that I am following Christ and am in His
will. While I was in Mexico
I was pulled aside by the co-founder of the ministry and given the words that
finished fanning into flame the new life God has breathed into me. She told me
that God had told her that He is going to do something so amazing with me and
has such an anointing on my life that satan can’t help but try to stop me. She told
me that I am a threat to hell and satan can’t stop me, but he’s sure going to
try and I need to be ready. Talk about scary and exciting at the same time! I’m
so ready to see what God wants to do with me and am constantly diving into the
scriptures so that I can be ready when satan tries to attack me and make me
doubt. I’m so on fire right now, I couldn’t help but share what God is doing in
my life.
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